Thursday Funny for you

[davjohns 1]

JEFF GORDON FIRES PIT CREW
AP Wire- Raleigh , NC

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to
change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold
the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump s*** out of an aircraft. Now, Sir, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children..

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[lawrocket 3]

Quote

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump s*** out of an aircraft. Now, Sir, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

To which the pilot replied, "How about a glowing report and recommendation that you remain here?"

My wife is hotter than your wife.