Shah's dating advice column

[Baksteen 84]

Write your problems to Dr. Shah and he'll tell you just how to save that relationship or how to pick up that hot guy/girl you were always interested in but never had the guts to ask out.


Dear Shah,

I am a never-married male in my late 20s. For almost 2 years I had a terrible crush on my best friend, an extraordinarily beautiful woman. Even when she became an Air Force Officer and we had to do the long distance thing for over a year we remained very close and would visit each other frequently. We both have decent incomes and would split the cost so it was never a financial burden. We got along great and I fell deeper and deeper in love. I gave my heart completely to her. I wanted to marry her. I still do.
At the end of August, I flew down to see her for 10 days. We had a wonderful time and I felt closer to her than ever. Everything seemed perfect - But why can't I find the words to ask her?

Around the eigth day of my visit I did notice a change in her. She became distant, but I just thought it was stress from her career or something. She would hold my hand but not look at me and she just seemed... so distant and sad. I asked her if something was wrong but I couldn't get a straight answer, she just said it was stress and fatigue.

A few days after I got home I get a call from her. She's crying. (she NEVER cries!) She says she hates to do this to me...but she just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. I was devastated and asked her "why?".

She says she has no idea why her feelings changed and that they changed in a matter of about 2-3 days. But she has NO explanation for why she feels this way so suddenly.

The whole time she was telling me this, I could see her face since it was via video-chat...I still cry everyday thinking about it almost a month later.

We haven't had much contact since then and I don't know what to do.

The few times I have spoken to her in the past month , I've had a hard time keeping my emotional cool.
She's coming home to see her family over Christmas and I'll have the opportunity to see her then. I'm hoping we can talk face to face and maybe when she's had 4 months to miss me, her perspective will change. But what should I do/say when I do see her? Should I contact her 'til then, or just cut all contact and wait 'til Christmas? I've been avoiding making any contact with her for the most part since I only seem to make myself look foolish. I love this woman with all my heart and desperately want her in my life again.

Yours,

Desparatus


Disclaimer: Any similarities to real anonymous posts found anywhere on the internet are purely coincidental and not a sign of plagiarism at all.

"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

[shah269 0]

Desparatus,
My good Roman friend! You pathetic fool you!
Don't you know the first rule of dating! Women are like watermelons! They grow on trees! Round sexy delicious watermelons! But like any vegetable they are complex and best enjoyed with some crunchy peanut butter!
I recommend Dr. Shah's super special peanut butter!

Now where were we? You were crying about some girl some place over something! Well Dr. S (the S stands for SEXY) has the cure for what ever it is that's the matter with you! Throw away all of your clothes and buy every thing in white, then hit your local collage bar and start pontificating about the spiritual benefits of body shots. This always works in getting the interest of hot freshman chicks! Take a few home and play naked twister and take lots of pictures and share them with your friends...my email is drsexlexia@sexy.net......at first you will feel cheep and shallow but you will soon forget all about that feeling and what ever was her name when the floozies you brought home bring you french toast in bed!
And the only tears that will be streaming from your eyes will be that of joy!

Good luck and remember, keep it sexy!

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[guppie01 0]

Sorry Desparatus, She's already fucking someone else! Ya lost your turn....

g

"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?"
Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU
OMG, is she okay?

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

Sorry Desparatus, She's already fucking someone else! Ya lost your turn....

g

+ 1 And he probably has a bigger schlong....

That's what the Magic 8 Ball says....

Always be kinder than you feel.

[tigra 0]

Desparatus,

Grow a pair. She's just not that into you!

[MikeJD 0]

I love this. It's supposed to be Shah's dating advice column, but yeah - everyone else feel free to put the boot in!

My advice is, she obviously isn't completely over the guy since she's telling him by video call. If you're serious about dumping someone these days you do it via SMS!

[DJL 235]

Dear shah, I'm dating an attractive younger woman who is as close in age to me as is her attractive mother. How do I make a threesome happen?

Sincerely,
Family Guy

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[skymama 37]

That's fucked up. Watermelons do not grow on trees!

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[shah269 0]

Mr. Guy
The key to any woman's heart is her shoes, take those and run and you'll have a new pair of shoes. The same can be said about a manajatwa or as the French call it going Flemish.
Now I suggest looking into the bilaws of your local state. That's where you will most likely find out if your partner is bi or not. It's also a good place to meet bi women which you may wish to bring back home. Further more there may be some issues with the incest but I hear many places are perfectly OK with that. Find out if your place is one of those places.
As for getting it started, I suggest a nice family night out to a Hanna Montana movie and don't cheap out on the extra large tub of extra buttered popcorn and here is why.
Start by cutting a hole in the bottom of said tub, make sure it's big enough for your little friend, allow plenty of room for growth for there is nothing less sexy than a cardboard cut of the member. Early on in the movie, unzip and inert your little buddy in and relax and enjoy the movie. Eventually they will find the little surprise in the cracker jax box!
And as the say the rest is like bobbing for dwarfs!
Good luck and remember to stay sexy!
Dr. S

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[virgin-burner 1]

dear dr. shah!

whenever me and my girlfriend have intercourse, she claims i'm putting it in the "wrong hole"; what does she mean by that?

best regards,
john schlong

“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.”
-Hunter S. Thompson
"No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda

[shah269 0]

Mr. Schlong,
Mind if I call you Dick? Let us dissect your mind bottling situation.
You say your girl friend claims you are putting it the "wrong hole". First let's start off with the major issue, and that is her assertion of being able to claim anything. Now my University of Phoenix Legal degree which I printed out and laminated this morning gives me the insight and the knowledge needed to counter your supposed girl friends supposed "claims".

Effectively they are baseless, preposterous and outrageous . After all who is she to make such a claim let alone claim that she can make a claim? Does she have a laminated just printed legal degree. I think not!

Now to this hole you so speak of. It's a well known fact that women have many holes some of them for hearing others for eating and some that just boggle the mind and seem to have no other use other than to be poked hard and fast and hard and fast again. And the question of which one is the right hole or the wrong hole is all up to the person poking said hole.

You see Dick a woman is a lot like a bowling ball, and it's all about finding the correct hole configuration so that you can trow a perfect three point shot from the 50 yard line and hit the bulls eye.

So keep poking what ever holes you were poking, eventually you'll find the right hole that fits your poking needs. And I'm sure your girl friend will understand.

And remember, stay sexy!
Dr. S

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[Nataly 38]

Dear Dr. S

My friend is an incredibly kind woman who cannot seem to find a date. Ever since she was a young girl of 40, she has been dreaming of that magical day when she would meet Mr. Perfect.. She even used to browse through wedding shops in the hope that she would find that magical dress for her big magical day with her magical Mr. Right..

The trouble is, over the years, she has put on some weight. She is now a horribly large woman who barely squeezes into a size 6. No matter how she tried to lose those extra pounds, she just seems to reach for those kitkats instead.. She feels ashamed of the way she has let herself go and feels that no man could possibly love her, which tragically only leads her to eat more ice-cream.. Honestly, it makes me sick to see my friend do this to herself - she is a lovely, intelligent girl who really should be able to control her eating.

Dr. S.. Please, please help my friend - surely she's not a lost cause???

Signed,

A concerned friend

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[SkyBastard 0]

dear dr shah,

i haven't hade sex in ten years. where is my penis?

love and hugs (but no sexytiems)

skybastard

Dude #320
"Superstitious" is just a polite way of saying "incredibly fucking stupid".
DONK!

[NealFitz 0]

Dear Dr S

I ahve had a crush on Lucky McS on DZ for a couple of months- the only thing separating us is the Atlantic-how should i proceed

Dudeist Skydiver #170
You do not need a parachute to skydive, you only need one to skydive again

[warpedskydiver 0]

Did you try fucking her in the ass as hard as you can?


That usually works....

[shah269 0]

Quote

Dear Dr. S

My friend is an incredibly kind woman who cannot seem to find a date. Ever since she was a young girl of 40, she has been dreaming of that magical day when she would meet Mr. Perfect.. She even used to browse through wedding shops in the hope that she would find that magical dress for her big magical day with her magical Mr. Right..

The trouble is, over the years, she has put on some weight. She is now a horribly large woman who barely squeezes into a size 6. No matter how she tried to lose those extra pounds, she just seems to reach for those kitkats instead.. She feels ashamed of the way she has let herself go and feels that no man could possibly love her, which tragically only leads her to eat more ice-cream.. Honestly, it makes me sick to see my friend do this to herself - she is a lovely, intelligent girl who really should be able to control her eating.

Dr. S.. Please, please help my friend - surely she's not a lost cause???

Signed,

A concerned friend

Constipated,
What a tragic story, really very tragic, Nothing makes me sadder when people make plans. Don't you people understand that the first step to failing is trying out new clothes! But fear not my backed up friend I am here to pontificate and maybe even help.
So lets sum up our problems shall we;
1) Your friend says she is a young 40 year old woman.
2) She has an addiction to ice cream and kitkats.
3) She feels ashamed of how she has ballooned to astronomical proportions and was once harpooned Japanese while swimming?
4) She is prenatally looking for Mr. Right.

Well what can be said other than your friends life is like a monkey knife fight. It's all fun and games till they start enslaving humanity.....damn those dirty apes! Damn them to hell!

But our ape masters aside I know exactly what is wrong with your friend. She is suffering from chickitus.
Chickitus is a horrible communicable disease that is passed on from chick flicks to chicks via invisible particle waves that are emitted for poorly made Honduran LCD TV's.

Singes of chickitus include but are not limited to, perpetually looking for Mr. Right, being invited to a wedding once every month and an unnatural addiction to all things chocolate. Other side effects include leaky eyes and a propensity to sing show tunes.

I know it's a horrible infliction and though I personally approached the UN imploring that said women be rounded up and shipped off to a worthless place like Reno where they would be allowed to graze at all you can eat buffets and then rounded up by cowboys once a year to move to richer truck stops. I was politely evicted from the building by armed guards.

But fear not, Dr. S has boned up on this horrible disease and I think I have a potential cure.
Start by taking your friend out to one of those really overly happy restaurants that people with no soul nor developed pallet frequent. Such as TGI Thursdays, Sabbath Sundays (the temple of the the Bad Ass BLT!) or my personal favorite Chunky Cheese (The home of the deep fried 6.9kg cheese cube!).

Star by filling her gullet with all kind of girly drinks that end in "tiny".....though they seem to be served in 1 gallon jugs. But never the less fill her enormous gaping mouth with what ever flammable colored liquid they have on the menu. While doing this I highly suggest you wear hearing protection to protect your ears from the incessant nagging. For god knows there is nothing worse than a desperate whining drunk + sized women......well maybe a desperate whining + sized drunk gay dwarf. I'm short, I'm gay, I'm short, I have short arms, I can't even see my own wang, you keep picking me up and tossing me across the bar bla bla bla.....

Back to your friend, the alcohol and what ever the hell it is they put in cosmos seem to weaken this horrible disease. And here is where you can save her via an exorcism, I hope you brought your tools! Grab her by her round pudgy shoulders, hog tie her to the bar, climb on top of her, take two sausages and start slapping her across the face till she gets really angry and then look her deep into her eyes and say this "There is no Mr. Right there is only Mr. Right now!" You may have to shout this a few times which may cause various men to walk up to you and say hi, but ignore them...you are on a mission! First to hang on for deal life for 8 seconds because by now she's really angry and third to lower your friends expectations as to who she will and won't have sex with!

After a few minutes her body will slowly fight off Chickitus, slowly untie her, and watch as she will sit up and swivel on her chair and quickly start hitting on who ever is sitting next to her be it man, women, or depressed gay dwarf with a head injury.

And now you can celebrate for you have successfully cured her of Chickitus. In that before she was always looking for the the man that wouldn't touch her with a Marsupials dick to the man, women or dwarf that will not even know her name come sunrise. And celebrate you shall by having a deep fried hunk of butter!

Friends like you are a rarity in this world! Most would just walk away and pretend their friend didn't exist only to come back in 5 years to see their friend living with 50 cats and playing with a blow up sheep. But not you! Your are special!
Take care and stay sexy and remember never trow a dwarf always toss them.
Dr. S

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[shah269 0]

Quote

dear dr shah,

i haven't hade sex in ten years. where is my penis?

love and hugs (but no sexytiems)

skybastard

Bastard my reptilian friend.
I'll make this quick and fast.......as I always do.
1) Lower your expectations. Not every one looks good as I do free balling in a stolen Doctors coat and thus not every one is entitled to dating blind Zimbobwayan Super models!
3) Mail order brides my friend! For no matter how fat and disgusting you may look naked all out of breath with a thick mat of back hair, you are still better than the erradiated men of their country! For one, you only have 2 eyes while those guys may have up to 7!

And remember, angry girls need loving too! But they better be buying!
Dr. S!

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[banesanura 1]

Dear Dr. Shah,


What is the proper way to use a strap on my lover without him knowing?

-Mistress Andriana Santos

Best Girl Scout Ever.

[warpedskydiver 0]

Call out the Ether Bunny!



You are making Eugene nervous

[shah269 0]

Quote

Dear Dr. Shah,


What is the proper way to use a strap on my lover without him knowing?

-Mistress Andriana Santos

Mistress Santas,
Strapons are a delicate matter kind of like throwing hand gernades. It's all fun and games till some ones dog brings one back into the bunker! The best way to answer this question is to answer it with another question. How does your lover use his strap on with out you knowing it?
To which I have three suggestions.
One he can get you really drunk, easy if you are a cheap date, hard if he is a cheap date.
Two run the old Matador trick. While is is doing you from behind grabs the strap on strike then holding on for dear life.
And the ever popular tell you that every one else is doing it and make you feel guilty trick.

Feel free to try any of these on your boy friend. As for it being a sneak attack? You could always attack him while he is in the shower! Otherwise known as the you dropped your soap surprise.
Take care have fun and remember aim for the eyes!
Dr. S

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[1969912 0]

Just gotta say that this is one of the best threads I've seen in a while. Shah is cracking me up. To wit:

"...horrible communicable disease that is passed on from chick flicks to chicks via invisible particle waves that are emitted for poorly made Honduran LCD TV's." Fuckin LMFAO

EDIT: Gotta add this:

"Strapons are a delicate matter kind of like throwing hand gernades. It's all fun and games till some ones dog brings one back into the bunker!"

Shah, you're killing me! Tears literally streaming....

"Once we got to the point where twenty/something's needed a place on the corner that changed the oil in their cars we were doomed . . ."
-NickDG

[cocheese 0]

Dear Shah, She's hot and has a brain. She's been my most dominate thought lately. It's never going to happen, but we both want to at least be close friends.
Is the torture of the boundries of a close friendship worth the possible evolution to something greater? Or am i just gay?

Ground Hog day

[shah269 0]

Quote

Dear Shah, She's hot and has a brain. She's been my most dominate thought lately. It's never going to happen, but we both want to at least be close friends.
Is the torture of the boundries of a close friendship worth the possible evolution to something greater? Or am i just gay?

Ground Hog day

Ground badger!
First off is's Dr. Shah, not Mr! I didn't attend 8 years of community collage to be called Mr. They just don't hand these stylish white lab cotes out at any hospital you know! You have to pretend you are sick go into the ER and grab a bunch of them and run out.

Now, I've only put away a half a bottle of Scotch today but your question confuses and intrigues me a little less than NASAS's never ending quest to discover, photograph the elusive female orgasm on Uranus.

First off you say is hot and she has a brain? Well that's just preposterous! Ever since the supreme court debated the epic argument of tastes great vs has less filling have such contradictory phrases sat so close to each other. A woman can't be hot and smart at the same time. It's just not natural!

So without knowing her I have to say you have just misjudged her and she is just hot and most likely not all that smart. You see my ground dwelling friend, all the blood has rushed from your brain bone to your dick bone which has left you slightly retarded and a little impaired much like a Kennedy or a Bush after a kegger. Thus she only "appears" to be more intellectual than you.

After all my boy! Your a MAN! You pee standing up, know how to make fire and fat sounds using only your hands and your armpits! She's a woman what the hell does she know! Basic finance, how to balance a check book, read a map, know when the milk has gone bad and perhaps a bit of string theory! Such useless skills! So that settles it, she's hot and has great fun bags! And your brain bone is just lacking blood.

Next problem! Which in reality is not a problem at all! My boy I'm a man of science and I'm not saying that because I wear a lab cote and carry a note pad and walk around asking women if they wish to have their temperature checked rectally. But I must say there are things science knows and things it does not know!

For example why farts are only funny to the farter not those around him. And it is always a "him" that farts? The female fart has yet to be captured on film, NASA is looking into this and is planning on bombing a random woman's ass later this week under title Operation Ass Bombers 13. But I digress! What science does know is that one can have a friend and one can have benefits! And all with the same woman!

Yes my fuzzy little friend you can have your cup cake and blow out the candles with your fart!

You see the reason you are feeling "queer" or as the Germans cal it "hasselhoffen" is that you are fighting the flow of nature my good man! Evolve! Stand tall my homoerotic friend! Make that fire! Pee standing up!
And make those fart sounds that make you feel great!

But most of all have a friend with benefits! It's all the perks of being in a relationship without all the head aches of being in one. Nothing like having a "friend" you can talk to, giggle with and then chase around the house naked with a feather duster and a bucket full of baked beans! And when she gets "moody" which all women do.....we think it's due to the build up of farts in their bum...you just call another friend! And chase her around with a spatula and a can of cheese wiz while your gumpy friend recovers!

I say go off be friends make wild passionate love as if you were a pair of rabid monkeys in a burlap sack thrown into a river! Stop fighting mother nature! Just fart in her general direction! And extra points will be given if you light said fart!

So as always, have fun stay safe and remember it only counts as a "full ride" if you hang on for 8 seconds after you Donkey Punch your "friend".

Dr. S

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[cocheese 0]

Thank you Dr. Shah.

[Bolas 5]

I think he found his calling.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.