iluvtofly 0 #1 April 6, 2011 Get you through the rest of the week with a GREAT Laugh….. Think before you speak.... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, ’How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls' THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' my sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of Her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' the silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' ... I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you Promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh And remember We all say things we don't really mean, So think before you speak!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TriGirl 343 #2 April 6, 2011 I'm learning a new language in a one-on-one format (just one teacher/one student). We've had a lot of laughs about plays on words between languages -- getting a phrase wrong is just the beginning. Think about the slang terms that have VERY different meanings between English spoken in America and that spoken in the UK... One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus Shut Up & Jump! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyski 8 #3 April 6, 2011 Quote I'm learning a new language in a one-on-one format (just one teacher/one student). We've had a lot of laughs about plays on words between languages -- getting a phrase wrong is just the beginning. Think about the slang terms that have VERY different meanings between English spoken in America and that spoken in the UK... One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! I see you'll be making plenty of friends. "I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890 I'm an asshole, and I approve this message Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
amstalder 0 #4 April 6, 2011 Now what fun would that be?! Numbers 4, 5, & 6 are great! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nataly 38 #5 April 6, 2011 Quote One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! I asked the waiter for testicles instead of coffee last month... Apparently the two words are quite similar in Arabic "There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse." - Chris Hadfield « Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. » - my boss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wolfriverjoe 1,523 #6 April 6, 2011 Quote Quote One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! I asked the waiter for testicles instead of coffee last month... Apparently the two words are quite similar in Arabic What did he bring you? "There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy "~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pyrotech 0 #7 April 6, 2011 Quote Quote Quote One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! I asked the waiter for testicles instead of coffee last month... Apparently the two words are quite similar in Arabic What did he bring you? I'm assuming he brought tea-bags. 2 birds, 1 stone. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nataly 38 #8 April 6, 2011 Quote Quote Quote One day I was replying to her question about what kind of work I'd like to do after I retire from the military. I gave her the direct translation of "I'm open [to suggestions]." Apparently, in Turkish, that means I'm open for business! I asked the waiter for testicles instead of coffee last month... Apparently the two words are quite similar in Arabic What did he bring you? He brought me coffee with (I hope!!) milk "There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse." - Chris Hadfield « Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. » - my boss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Southern_Man 0 #9 April 6, 2011 When my son was a toddler we would motivate him to do things by making everything into a race. Otherwise he would just be very, very slow at everything. This worked great until one day I was with him at the grocery store and was racing him to find some food item of other and he starts yelling at the top of his lungs, "Don't beat me daddy, don't beat me""What if there were no hypothetical questions?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amazon 7 #10 April 6, 2011 This thread does not apply in any meaningfull form for SC.... its a daily smorgasbord in there of idiotic "things" said. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shropshire 0 #11 April 6, 2011 I walked into a church and said "I do " most expensive 1/2 second of my life (.)Y(.) Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Arvoitus 1 #12 April 6, 2011 I wanted to find the clip for #6, cause I wanted to see it as I figured it'd be at least as funny as : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSuj-xLrONg but it turns out that its an urban legend.Your rights end where my feelings begin. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
