Todays Joke

[shropshire 0]

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fireman said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The fireman looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Heatmiser 0]

Cut and paste for ya:

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
story.

The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

What you say is reflective of your knowledge...HOW ya say it is reflective of your experience. Airtwardo

Someone's going to be spanked! Hopefully, it will be me. Skymama

[BIGUN 1,488]

Quote

A skydiver returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone:

"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late."

"Don't lie to me, you asshole," his wife said. "You stayed and made another jump, didn't you?"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[popsjumper 2]

Little Billy sitting on the curb with a jug of high-powered gasoline at his feet.

Priest walks by and tells him, “Son, it’s dangerous to have a jug of high-powered gasoline at your feet. You could blow yourself up.

Billy says, “Nah.”

Priest thinks a little and comes up with, “Tell you what. I’ll trade you this bottle of holy water for that jug of high-powered gasoline.”

Billy asks, “What does holy water do?”

Priest says, “Well, the other day I rubbed some holy water on a woman’s stomach and she passed a baby.”

Billy says, “That ain’t nuttin’. I rubbed some high-powered gasoline on a cat’s tail and he passed two motorcycles!”

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[davjohns 1]

For Shah:

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,"'Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, & I said, "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful & honest, & I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, & he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork & beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, & he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again.

He laughed, & told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now???

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't
take it, so she said: "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so
she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make
up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks
up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible,
I had him chained to a transmission!"

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

Mrs. Smith comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,

'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner,

I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[JohnMitchell 16]

Thanks for the chuckles.

It's late and I got nuthin' funny. Sorry.

[shropshire 0]

Excellent

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[jimmytavino 16]

so a woman bursts into the house and yells up the stairs..
"I've Won the Lottery....pack the bags"!!!...
a mans' voice from above calls out...
"great !! should i pack for the mountains?? or pack for the Beach"??...

she replies
......"I don't care !!!...
just.......Get Out"!!!!


jmy

[popsjumper 2]

Polish Airlines flying into Kennedy for the first time…

Pilot looks out the windscreen and tells the co-pilot,
“Lower the flaps a little and let’s slow this thing down.

Co-pilot lowers the flaps a little…

Pliot: Hey. Give me some more flaps, we’re getting close.

Co-pilot lowers the flaps a little more…

Pilot: Hey!!!! Quick! Give me ALL the flaps!

Co-pilot slams down all the flaps…

Plane lands with full flaps, engines full reverse thrust, brakes screeching, people piled up in the front of the airplane in a big cloud of smoke.

Smoke clears and the pilot looks out the windscreen and says,
“Damn! That was a short runway!

Co-pilot looks out, left then right, and says,
“Yeah! And look how W I D E it is!

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[loudtom 5]

A salesman rings the bell at a house and a nine year old boy answers with a Penthouse under one arm, a glass of scotch in one hand and big joint in the other. The salesman looks questioningly at the boy and asks "is your mom or dad home?"

The kid looks up at the salesman and says...
"what the fuck do you think?"

tom #90 #54 #08 and now #5 with a Bronze :-)

[skycamefalling 0]

Police Warning: Lock Your Doors


BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME


A Santa Barbara man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt
Police suspect a cereal killer!

Speedracer~I predict that Michael Jackson will rise from the dead.
And that a giant radioactive duck will emerge from the ocean and eat Baltimore.