Humour stolen from another forum

[Zep 0]

Well it made me laugh.

I think Brian Johnsons just about took the biscuit in an England v W.Indies test match.

"The Batsmans Holding the Bowlers Willey."

However there's some cracking double-entendres here,...

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .....

Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie *****
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use *****, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself".

Another good one,...
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:

"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Gone fishing

[obelixtim 150]

New British Destroyer

Press Release to coincide with the introduction of the new Type 45 Destroyers.

Details have been released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting ships. The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Officer's Wardroom. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash". Out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains, this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women. The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the band of Her Majesty's Royal Marines.

Sea Trials are expected to take place, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission. It will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast. The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation". His final words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"

My computer beat me at chess, It was no match for me at kickboxing....