What a Vasectomy is Really Like

[airdvr 210]

Found this rather amusing tale on Best of Craigslist.

So I did it. Got the snip -- the tiny tubes terminated -- pinched off the old baby batter blaster -- you get the picture. While it was (as every man who has ever had it done at least one year prior will tell you) a very simple and quick procedure, I would not ever in good conscience tell another man considering it that it was anything less than a miserable experience. Most guys (fellow blank shooters) I spoke with played it down and made it sound as easy and manly as getting a few stitches after a bar brawl -- well I beg to differ. Although, all the slice-snip-burn-sew blow by blow, step by step tales I was told were frighteningly similar -- and mine is no different:

THEY TAPE YOUR DICK!!!- So after sitting slightly nervous and unquestionably cold in an ass-less gown for about 15 minutes -- periodically wiggling my pink pal just to shake out the shrinkage all the while being mindful not go full mast -- I mean who gets a hard-on in a cold doctor's office while waiting for some dude to rip open your sack and jam some scissors in the hole? Not this weirdo -- Anyhoo, the doctor & nurse bust in like they were trying to catch me jerkin' it (I'm too quick handed to worry about that) and get to work. I lay back, and ol' doc flips up the gown with the vigor and assuredness of a popular jock prom date -- pulls out and rips off about two feet of masking tape -- grabs my cock -- stretches it past my belly button -- and tapes it quite securely to my abdomen. In hindsight I think it's so my Johnson didn't retract into my pelvis as the pain, shame and discomfort slowly consumed me.

MEATBALLS IN A HOLE- The next step in prepping for the procedure was a generous coat of peroxide lathering my thighs -- then came the covering. The doc held up a dishtowel sized heavy cloth with a 3-4 inch diameter hole, well stitched and reinforced with a canvas-like material (you know, so your balls don't tear through it like wet toilet paper when they figure out what's about to happen to them). My freshly shaved scrotum poked through and also received an incredibly cold peroxide dousing. He says "this might get a little uncomfortable" and begins kneading and emulsifying my scrotum between his fingers looking for the right tube to terminate (there are a few on either side) and then came the needle. . .

YOU FEEL EVERYTHING- "You're probably going to feel a sharp pain and a some burning, but then you should not feel any pain from here on" -- Now, it's not that he was lying, but it's really not that simple. Needles don't bug me and a Novocaine shot is really not that high on the pain scale -- so far so good. Then he cut into my scrotum using some Chinese method I got a pamphlet on, but didn't give a fuck enough to read about -- felt every bit of it, but it was not painful -- numb, but sensitive enough to know exactly what was happening down there without looking. He tears me open quite aggressively (still no pain, but discomfort was creeping in) and then the snip. . ...Ooooohhhhhh the snip. I could write a 2000 adjective only essay on the sensation that shot through my lower abdomen and there is not a woman on this planet that could read it and have even a slightest inkling of what I experienced in that very moment, but it only takes four words to let a brother know -- Kicked In The Balls. Not the initial contact pain like when the foot hits the ball or the balls slap the thigh or butthole, but the stomach ache fallout that follows. It's extreme nausea without the possibility of puking AND getting the wind knocked out of you without the breathing issue AND the cold sweats of a fever without the hot skin mixed with the sharp stinging sensation (and I'm assuming here) of being stabbed.

This was the point where I made the decision not to look up and see what was going on -- let me explain: It was during the birth of our first child that I discovered something about myself that had not previously occurred to me -- blood and gore does not phase me in person. I actually cringe sometimes when watching something particularly graphic in a movie or on TV, but when I peeked over the curtain while sitting beside my beautiful and insanely brave wife and (against the advice of the doctors and nurses in the room) peered directly into my wife's open abdomen -- did not feel faint or woozy or even the slightest bit phased witnessing the c-section birth of our daughter (I think that I am one in a very small group of men that can truthfully say that my wife is indeed beautiful both inside and out). And again for my son's circumcision (it's not mutilation if it can actually help him get laid when he is of sound mind and consenting age) where I watched wide-eyed and unflinching as they pinned back and peeled off the extra skin of my infant's penis without so much as nose crinkle. It surprised me -- I felt slightly faint in anticipation both times, but not even a knee buckle once the gore was in view. Now, after all that chest pounding I will humbly admit that I was in no condition and harbored no desire to attain so much as a glimpse of what this sadistic prick was doing to the closest friends of my taped dong.

EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE?- I'm not totally sure exactly what was cauterized, but I smelled it. Didn't bug me -- it's the first thing every non-lethal sharpshooter out there told me about because it was so disturbing for them -- and because of that I was mentally prepared for it. It was weird though -- worth mentioning.

THERE ARE TWO- I am well aware that I'm no genius and this may just be common sense to most men out there -- maybe it's because I never gave it very much thought -- but it is a two part procedure and that did not initially occur to me. Two places to numb, two holes to cut, two tubes to snip and remove (which look like two small sections of spaghetti noodles -- which my doctor pointed out when he showed me commenting, "hope you weren't planning on pasta for dinner tonight" -- worth the co-pay alone) because most men have. . .everybody now. . .two balls. Duh. This was both surprising and disappointing to me as the first one is no picnic and after the full frontal sense assault I was in no mood to go through it again, but it was actually a lot easier. This time I was already entirely numb and I could identify each tug and snip as landmarks along the shameful journey and I knew exactly how many more pokes and puffs of flesh smoke were left until I could get out of there and get a burrito.

. . .AND THEN I PASSED OUT- Okay, procedure's over -- doc is gone -- nurse is gone -- and it quickly becomes (painfully) obvious that I did not shave above my penis as I rip the tape -- and my pubes -- off of my abdomen. That hurt, but detaching the tape from the loose skin of my now embarrassingly small and shriveled dick helped me to forget real quick. I was not in any pain, but I instinctively got dressed and walked out of the doctor's office (yes office -- no surgical room) like a 90 year-old with osteoporosis after a 2000 mile donkey ride. I think my ego/pride/mojo was more injured than my balls. I was texting my supportive mate to come pick me up, but looked up to see her popping up from a waiting room chair -- mojo back -- posture back -- let's go eat! We carefully walked to the car and headed to the pharmacy to pick up my new best friend for the next two days. Driving along I gave my better half a quick and g-rated rundown of the procedure and about 4 miles out the car began to close in on me. The corners got dark and I warned my bride that I was going to go under for a moment and then the entire conversation we just had played back in my head at a much higher volume and furious pace -- the screaming in my mind gave way to white noise and I came to slouched in my seat and looking over at an angelic, but severely concerned companion. If getting your balls fondled and shredded by another man doesn't fuck with your self-esteem, passing out like a little girl shortly thereafter kind of closes the deal. Feel free to make fun of me.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[airtwardo 7]

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[killler 2]

Funny read..... But hate to scare guys away from a very simple and painless vasectomy.... I don't think it was more then a ten minute deal start to finish... It's been 18 yrs and very glad I did it , So the wife would no longer have to play with hormones ..... And it's way cheaper then tube jobs on the girls.....

Killler

[councilman24 37]

Consider yourself made fun of.

Of course they wrapped something around my penis and clipped the tail of the shirt I was wearing.

And I kind of wish I hadn't agreed to see the piece of spaghetti clipped out and wiggling in the forceps.

I'm old for my age.
Terry Urban
D-8631
FAA DPRE

[JohnMitchell 16]

I had a vasectomy years ago . . . both sides. Was skydiving 5 days later. That guy on Craig's list needs to hitch up his skirt and get on with it.

[JerryBaumchen 1,449]

Hi John,

Nearly 34 yrs ago for me; I've never regretted it.

She did her part with the BC pills early in the marriage, now it was my time to do my part.

JerryBaumchen

[ChrisL 2]

Right! I'm convinced!

I'm goin tomorrow to do it!

Not.

Fortunately for me I'm a couple years shy of 50, my wife is just on the other side of 50 and probably couldn't get knocked up even if she had not had the tubes tied after the last C section. (while yer in there...), the kids are all over 18, and I'll be sticking with this woman for the duration.

No need of said horrific torture session for this ol boy
As a side note, my dad had this done back when he decided 5 kids was enough and the quack managed to nick an artery, sew him up and send him home that way. He was back in the ER some hours later while making an earnest attempt to bleed to death internally.

ITs not always a 10 minute, no big deal procedure. Hopefully they have refined the technique since he had it done about 45 years ago...

__

My mighty steed

[monkycndo 0]

I never knew how much I loved frozen peas, until after my snipping. The only part that bugged me was the end of one of the stitches was always poking my tender bits.

50 donations so far. Give it a try.

You know you want to spank it
Jump an Infinity

[tbrown 26]

Oh piffle.... After our second child was born, and talking it over with my wife, I had mine done twenty years ago.

I won't say it was completely painless. The anesthetic is about as exciting as having a rather large needle stuck into your scrotum can be - on both sides. Once that's over though, there's no further pain. The recovery took a weekend and I was advised to have NO sex at all for a week. Also to continue using birth control until my sperm count was gone.

Fully recovered, I felt like I had a new toy - wanted to introduce myself to ladies on the sidewalk. Have never had a problem since.

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[Quagmirian 40]

Forgive me while I throw up and my genitals shrivel in horror.

[BillyVance 34]

Had mine done 2 years ago. It was nothing really. Not the laser version, just the classic snip snip surgery. Everything was fine after a week of minor discomfort.

Nothing like the look on the faces of your guests when you tell them as they eat their peas, "those peas were on my balls the other day".



Nah, never did that.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[kasch 0]

My balls just turtled on me after reading this.

Was a funny read though :)

Sex with sith is like sex with a stripper. A lot of flashing lights and waving of glowing sabers, but in the end you end up with something dark and wrinkely.

DPH# "-13"
TSK# "-13"

[davjohns 1]

19 years ago. Painless. Watched the whole thing and talked to the docs doing it. Went running a couple of days later. Never felt a thing. Highly recommended.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Krip 2]

My oh my,

Sounds like a unforgetable experience

The Dr promised us a gift if we didn't cry during the "procedure".

We didn't cry and we got our gift to prove it.

Anyone else get their "badge of honor" or can guess what it is? Hint SFW .

R.

One Jump Wonder

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

EVER WONDER WHAT BURNT SCROTUM SMELLS LIKE?

Ummmmm.... Can't say that I have.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[lawrocket 3]

I had mine less than a month ago. It was my gift to DFWAJG - not only would I get it done but she was there and able to participate in the emasculation of her husband. What woman would not want to do that? She ensured that there was extra margin for error/iatrogenic injury, extra cauterization, etc. It was quite an event, actually. Urologist was entertained. She was entertained. I was howling.

And actually, I was in pretty good shape afterward. Watching the kids. Chasing them down the street so mommy could sleep. Meanwhile fascinated: "damn! I've got a black dick! Wow! It's not big at all. Cool."

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[TEB6363 0]

Oh com on LR - that was a gift to ALL OF US

I went in 8 or 10 years ago - my Dr ask; we have some interns here today, do you mind if they watch So, 2 extra guys and 2 girls got to attend the show. Well, not much of a show

The thing I remember most was it felt like he pulled two feet of tubing out before he cut it

Once the plane takes off, you're gonna have to land - Might as well jump out!!

[jinlee 0]

BEER!!!

[Vallerina 2]

The bravery and courage he showed should be applauded.

Thank you for reminding me of the best of craigslist. Now I have something to do with all this insomnia!

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[JohnMitchell 16]

Vallerina!

So good to see you in The Bonfire!

(not literally, of course.)

[JohnMitchell 16]

Quote

Ishe was there and able to participate in the emasculation of her husband. What woman would not want to do that?

They wouldn't let Vskydiver back to watch.

Quote

Meanwhile fascinated: "damn! I've got a black dick!

No Way! Really?

Man, mine was such a non event. I've had stubbed toes hurt worse. Must have been the percosets.

[amstalder 0]

Quote

Right! I'm convinced!

I'm goin tomorrow to do it!

Not.

Fortunately for me I'm a couple years shy of 50, my wife is just on the other side of 50 and probably couldn't get knocked up even if she had not had the tubes tied after the last C section. (while yer in there...), the kids are all over 18, and I'll be sticking with this woman for the duration.

No need of said horrific torture session for this ol boy
As a side note, my dad had this done back when he decided 5 kids was enough and the quack managed to nick an artery, sew him up and send him home that way. He was back in the ER some hours later while making an earnest attempt to bleed to death internally.

ITs not always a 10 minute, no big deal procedure. Hopefully they have refined the technique since he had it done about 45 years ago...

That SUCKS!



There are actually a handful of guys in our area who had only one tube snipped (gotta love army docs), were later surprised with pregnant wives, and had to have the procedure done AGAIN

[lawrocket 3]

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Ishe was there and able to participate in the emasculation of her husband. What woman would not want to do that?

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They wouldn't let Vskydiver back to watch.

The assistant stopped us and said, "Dr. doesn't allow anyone else back here."
I said, "He invited her. She's a physician." Which was true.

And - my recovery was significantly easier than even my wife thought it would be. Seriously - the next morning I had both kids with me at Home Depot. I told her, "I feel fine. That's the problem - I can't trust myself to BE fine even if I feel fine. So I'm going just a bit slower."

Other than the colors (and a single shot from Perry) I was pretty good with it.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[livendive 8]

I read that individual experiences vary greatly, and not just on the skill of the doctor or the pain tolerance of the patient. I had mine done two years ago and it wasn't that big of a deal. The actual procedure was more funny than anything else, as it was a friend of mine doing it, and he burned himself with the cauterizer trying to make small talk to fill a lull in the conversation. Afterwards I had like 36 hours of significant pain, another day or two of moderate, and then just occasional aches for a week or so. On the other hand, a good friend of mine told me still had significant pain 6 months after the fact...like a dull "kicked in the balls" feeling most times he has sex.

I was surprised by one aspect of it. I expected some mild negative effects in the bedroom afterward, but figured the positives would outweight that. What I actually got was quite the opposite. Apparently I never realized that the possibility of unexpected pregancy was always in the back of my mind. Once that threat was gone, it was very, umm, liberating!

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[JohnMitchell 16]

It's great to be shootin' blanks, isn't it?