splat123 0 #1 January 4, 2013 A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: ----------------------- 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------ 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ------------------- 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). --------------------- 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. ----------------- 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). --------------- 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amazon 7 #2 January 4, 2013 Thanks but no thanks... Far too many of our ancestors learned just how benevolent and magnanimous the English Crown can be to their "subjects" and just barely managed to escape with their lives to other places in the world. Many in their families were not so lucky to do even that. I think we will manage just fine without Cousin Liz's help. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #3 January 4, 2013 I only have one question about all that: When is strawberry season over there?My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #4 January 4, 2013 Question: Do you really want England to go to war against the USA again? I didn't think so. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andy9o8 2 #5 January 5, 2013 The day your Sovereign reigns over a functional family is the day I'll listen to her. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IanHarrop 42 #6 January 5, 2013 Quote 6. ... and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, ... Better to phase in driving on the left. For the first year only trucks and buses should drive on the left "Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
theonlyski 8 #7 January 5, 2013 Quote Quote 6. ... and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, ... Better to phase in driving on the left. For the first year only trucks and buses should drive on the left I say start with the lawyers."I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890 I'm an asshole, and I approve this message Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #8 January 5, 2013 Dammit! I want freakin' STRAWBERRIES!!!!! How can you watch polo without strawberries?My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #9 January 5, 2013 Quote The day your Sovereign reigns over a functional family is the day I'll listen to her. Hey! Big Mama is cool. She skydives! ...and she likes strawberries. And please, don't start hammerin' HER kids....she's gonna hammer ours and she has a LOT more ammunition.My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wolfriverjoe 1,523 #10 January 5, 2013 Point #6 - It already happened. They put roundabouts everywhere. And they either made them too small to get a truck (lorry) through, or they put a stripey thing down the middle to make the cars think that they can get through next to a truck (lorry). And you forgot that "math" will now be pluralised to "maths." (note the proper "-ise" ending) "There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy "~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BrettTaylor 0 #11 January 5, 2013 Quote Question: Do you really want England to go to war against the USA again? I didn't think so. Well I wouldn't be too hasty there Mr Vance.... I can't actually recall a war that the USA has won of it's own volition, so even with the raping of Her Majesties Armed Forces currently be carried out by Cameron and his cronies I'd still fancy our chances! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zep 0 #12 January 5, 2013 You forgot to mention that on the up side they will all be entitled to the child benefit payments, NHS dental care and a free visits to the doctors when needed. Gone fishing Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abedy 0 #13 January 5, 2013 Quote 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts Just asking: Isn't "crossroad" the correct British English term? You forgot that 'mericans will also have to read Harry Potter books in British English The sky is not the limit. The ground is. The Society of Skydiving Ducks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Andy9o8 2 #14 January 5, 2013 Quote You forgot to mention that on the up side they will all be entitled to the child benefit payments, NHS dental care and a free visits to the doctors when needed. Plus we all get to drink warm beer and chew our tasteless food with bad teeth. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #15 January 5, 2013 QuoteQuote You forgot to mention that on the up side they will all be entitled to the child benefit payments, NHS dental care and a free visits to the doctors when needed. Plus we all get to drink warm beer and chew our tasteless food with bad teeth. Mmmmm - PicalilliI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 16 #16 January 5, 2013 Quote Well I wouldn't be too hasty there Mr Vance.... I can't actually recall a war that the USA has won of it's own volition, so even with the raping of Her Majesties Armed Forces currently be carried out by Cameron and his cronies I'd still fancy our chances! Be nice, or the next World War we won't come and bail you out . . . again. If I were you, I wouldn't be so eager to start a chess game with a quarter of the pieces that your opponent has. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Croc 0 #17 January 5, 2013 I suppose we'll have to pronounce "aluminum" with an extra syllable."Here's a good specimen of my own wisdom. Something is so, except when it isn't so." Charles Fort, commenting on the many contradictions of astronomy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Coreece 190 #18 January 5, 2013 Quote Quote 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts Just asking: Isn't "crossroad" the correct British English term? You forgot that 'mericans will also have to read Harry Potter books in British English I absolutely adore the Queen's English and would love a holiday where we would all address each other in received pronunciation and mock British culture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAMfCG6nn1w I'll admit though...It's gonna take some getting used to British pubs and British porn: British Pub: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVBKKZctLpQ British Porn (SFW): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weijnvNCxqY Your secrets are the true reflection of who you really are... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #19 January 5, 2013 QuoteI suppose we'll have to pronounce "aluminum" with an extra syllable. Al - Yoo - Mini - Um as opposed to A-loo-meh-numI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #20 January 5, 2013 British porn, thanks hysterical! When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BrettTaylor 0 #21 January 5, 2013 Quote Quote Well I wouldn't be too hasty there Mr Vance.... I can't actually recall a war that the USA has won of it's own volition, so even with the raping of Her Majesties Armed Forces currently be carried out by Cameron and his cronies I'd still fancy our chances! Be nice, or the next World War we won't come and bail you out . . . again. If I were you, I wouldn't be so eager to start a chess game with a quarter of the pieces that your opponent has. Errr I think you should get your facts straight.... You would outnumber us more than 10 to 1! With much more (in a lot of cases worse but still more) equipment and more resources to throw at any war.... Still if we did go to war we wouldn't have to worry about "friendly fire" any more it'd just be fire! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BrettTaylor 0 #22 January 5, 2013 QuoteI suppose we'll have to pronounce "aluminum" with an extra syllable. They are the same number of syllables... However (and I'm pained to say this) you Americans say aluminium as it was originally intended, the British added the extra i so that it conformed with the -ium ending of metallic elements. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 60 #23 January 5, 2013 Quote Quote I suppose we'll have to pronounce "aluminum" with an extra syllable. They are the same number of syllables... However (and I'm pained to say this) you Americans say aluminium as it was originally intended, the British added the extra i so that it conformed with the -ium ending of metallic elements. Here, in the States, all we're hearing is an extra syllable. Al- u- min- e- um lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aphid 0 #24 January 6, 2013 Quote Still if we did go to war we wouldn't have to worry about "friendly fire" any more it'd just be fire! (Good one!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
popsjumper 2 #25 January 6, 2013 Quote You forgot to mention that on the up side they will all be entitled to the child benefit payments, NHS dental care and a free visits to the doctors when needed. The other upside is we'd get the privilege of paying an outrageous tax rate. AND I STILL WANT THOSE STRAWBERRIES!!!!! !My reality and yours are quite different. I think we're all Bozos on this bus. Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
