Need some perspective......

[Cornhusker 0]

Hi everyone.

I post on here once in a while, a few know me in the flesh, hence the new profile (privacy thing).

I need your view of things on my situation. Please.

So I'm a guy. My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We both do love each other, just fell out of love at one point. We've had our ups and downs, just like most. We separated about 6 months ago. She was talking to someone already before we broke up, I didn't know about it at the time. She hung out with him once while we were together, then more after we broke up. She slept with him once, says it was a mistake. Then we got back together a month and a half later.

At this time is when I had to piece together what she was doing, I didn't believe her that she didn't sleep with him. 5 months of lies from her about what happened between them, arguements that stemmed from me finding out one lie at a time. She must of lied to me 500 or more times. Then when I told her to call him in front of me or I'll leave forever she admitted it. I flipped out, not so much because she was interested in someone else, but all the damn lies and investigation I had to do. Even up until the last moment after she admitted they did sleep together, I found out from HIM that they did not use a condom, she said they did. I confronted her if she used one or not and told her I know the truth. I told her I'm about to ask her a question and if you can tell me the truth I'll try to work things out with her, if she lies I'm gone. She chose to lie, then I showed her the text from him, she cursed his name then told me the truth.

She knows how scared of an STD I am previous to all this, yet still slept with me after him. She put the fear of death in me until be both went and got all the STD testing. She knows that's the only fear I have in life, she gave me that fear.

I know she has problems from a bad childhood (the unthinkable things that can happen to a child by an adult), a bit fucked in the head, emotionally fucked her life up. She's now seeking help for all that has been wrong in her life and the effects of it. I couldn't be happier for her, I love her. I know she loves me too, she's expressed it so much to me still. I want and will always help her.

She knows she fucked up in the worst way. Her emotions show it. And all the verbal hell I put her through (I was hurt and still am), all the times I've walked away and left her to her misery, she still wants me forever with her.

I don't know if this shows her dedication to me or not, so I'm asking you guys. I told her I need to see if there's anyone else better out there for me. She let me, while we still live together. I did find someone by chance, someone I really liked. I was completely blunt and honest with my girlfriend that I was seeing her and that I slept with her once (we both did the STD testing too prior). I was confused, hurt and wanted to see if there was someone else for me, so I had a mini relationship with this other girl. Then realized I can only love my girlfriend. It was a mistake, the other girl knew of my situation, so everything was out in the open. The new girl kind of got obsessed with me, so I had to put an end to it because she couldn't accept just being friends with me.

So my question is, is my girlfriends willingness to let me have a relationship and sleep with someone else show she's dedicated to me now. I can say, I don't want to, but it really hurt my girlfriend to know I was out with another girl.

I honestly don't think she'll fuck up again, she's almost suicidal about losing me. The thing is she's a really pretty girl that gets hit on everywhere she and I go (I see guys with their girlfrinds checking out her while their girls aren't looking), I worry she might be interested in someone else again despite her obvious sorrow and willing to go through a living hell for her by me seeing someone else in front of her. Basically, she was home crying while I was having a relationship with someone else. She still wants to be with me. I'm not that great looking and obviously have not much money, I'm a skydiver! So there's nothing like money or a good looking guy to lose here, only the love she knows we have.

Is she serious about me now and realizes how much she fucked up?

Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

[airtwardo 7]

A relationship without trust is like a car without gasoline...you can stay in it as long as you want to - but you're not going anyplace.

People CAN change, maybe you can trust her, maybe not - only YOU know the answer to that.

Just remember, you always end up with what you're will to settle for.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[wolfriverjoe 1,523]

For me, trust is vital. Without that trust, there can't be a real relationship.
One of the reasons my ex-wife is my ex is because of how she lied to me. Not about cheating, but about other stuff. There were other issues, some of them my fault, but the lack of trust was one of the biggest reasons.

Your GF has lied to you repeatedly. You have to decide whether or not you will be able to trust her in the future.

If you think that you can rebuild that trust, then move forward. If you can't, then you are probably done.

And that trust has to work both ways. She has to feel safe telling you the truth. She may feel that she has to lie to you because of how you might react to the truth (my ex used this excuse).

Good luck.

Edit to add: Wow. 'Twardo said something very similar, he posted his short response while I was thinking about and composing mine.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[JohnMitchell 16]

Pretty long read but thanks for using paragraphs and good punctuation.
I say she's cheated before, she'll cheat again, and she doesn't have her head straight. She needs someone to torture with her head games and infidelity, and that person is you.

You've seen you can find someone who treats you right. I'd go that way. Don't mistake jealousy and gnawing insecurity for love.

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

Before you try to be happy with someone else, you should learn to be happy with yourself.

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[popsjumper 2]

Cut and run...don't look back.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[AviationTD 0]

Bro!

Like other have said, only you know the answer to this. I only can share my experience. I have been in exactly same situation with my ex-fiancee. It was a real struggle for me. Not going to bore you with details but if you want my advice, here it is:

Cutaway!

If she cheated and lied to you before, she will do it again. Based on your post, it gave me a splitting image of my ex-fiancee. I have a horrible gut feeling that she will do it again. Sorry, man!

[BIGUN 1,471]

If you are an active skydiver; you do NOT need any drama permeating your brain. Emotional baggage is not only a drain on our physical and mental well-being; but can be a serious safety issue. That's why you should cutaway from anything that steals your focus.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Cornhusker 0]

She didn't really cheat. She hung out with this guy once prior while we were together. I didn't know about it, so ya it's shitty but not cheating. She had sex with him while we were broken up.

The lying is what gets me.

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll probably just cut her out of my life. I always had the "one lie, you're gone forever" attitude. Only used it once over something stupid with a ex, but I gave my current girlfriend hundreds of chances to come clean. Says she told me everything, then I'd figure out a lie, then another then another. It's only because I love(d) her I kept giving her chances.

Should of stuck with my theory about lies, wouldnt have to have all the hatred and resentment I have now.

[Nataly 38]

Mistrust and resentment are big relationship killers... I've tried mending a broken relationship where there was a lot of resentment... Didn't work. The resentment lingered long after it was clear there was nothing to be resentful about. Sometimes the hurt you feel can't be "rationalised away"... It's like trying to glue back a broken vase... You will never find all the little pieces or hide all the little cracks, or make it as solid as it once was... Adding more glue only makes the thing uglier and highlights its flaws...

Not saying you can't get over it, but that not getting over it will almost certainly kill your relationship for good.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[NewGuy2005 53]

Run for your life.

[Andy9o8 2]

Quote

she's almost suicidal about losing me.

Ooh, sounds like a keeper.

[promise5 17]

Leave. It might be hard and you might think she's the only one you'll love but give yourself time to heal and you'll find someone that can be trusted. Not to sound like a b**** she lied repeatedly to you and yet your still going to go back for more?? How do you know she's not lying now ? What about tomorrow or the next day ?? I call bullshit on the sucidal over losing you, that's like someone said earlier " a mind game". Also, thinking that she's dedicated to you because she thinks its ok you slept with someone else ???Holy crap,that's messed up. Cut your ties and take time to heal. Dont have a rebound relationship it obviously doesn't work. One of you needs to move out ASAP and then keep your distance as in no contact. My guess is once your not there to play in her drama she'll find someone else fast enough.
Dang I'm sorry I sound so nasty I just hate to see someone get played !!

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[skydiver604 0]

I hear these guys are hiring

http://www.legion-recrute.com/en/

"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michelangelo

[swisschris62 0]

Jealousy and mistrust/deceit make for a very unhealthy relationship. Not good for either of you. I was in a similar relationship many years ago. There wasn't any cheating but lots of lies. After many long talks I thought we had resolved the problems. Our agreement was that she would no longer lie and I assured her that as long as she told me the truth I wouldn't get pissed off even if I didnt like what I was hearing.
It wasn't long before I found out several more lies had been told and I was gone. There was lots of tears and more promises that it wouldn't happen again. I stuck to my guns and left.
Turns out I wasn't the last guy who had these problems with her.
I think you know what you need to do. Don't let tears and suicidal talk keep you from making the right decision.

[billvon 3,100]

>And all the verbal hell I put her through

If she's that abusive of an upbringing she may be most comfortable with that mode of interaction. And she may, in the future, want to bring that back. It may be hurtful to her, but it also may be the only way she's ever interacted with people close to her (family.)

>I honestly don't think she'll fuck up again . . .

Why? What's changed? She now knows she can sleep with other guys and not lose you. She now knows that you slept with someone else and can say 'well, remember how you slept with someone else? I just did that again. How can you condemn me if you did it?"

If you are OK with having that happen again then I'd consider staying with her. Plenty of people have open relationships. But if it's going to make you miserable to go through this again, then consider finding someone else.

[Cornhusker 0]

swisschris62

Jealousy and mistrust/deceit make for a very unhealthy relationship. Not good for either of you. I was in a similar relationship many years ago. There wasn't any cheating but lots of lies. After many long talks I thought we had resolved the problems. Our agreement was that she would no longer lie and I assured her that as long as she told me the truth I wouldn't get pissed off even if I didnt like what I was hearing.
It wasn't long before I found out several more lies had been told and I was gone. There was lots of tears and more promises that it wouldn't happen again. I stuck to my guns and left.
Turns out I wasn't the last guy who had these problems with her.
I think you know what you need to do. Don't let tears and suicidal talk keep you from making the right decision.

I'm not* (edit) letting that get me, the tears and suicide. She was almost successful twice in her life though, so she's serious. Again though, we wernt together when it happened, it's the lies that bothered me. As someone else posted, she was scared of my reaction, still not the best way to go about it.

The sad thing is she's never had anyone give a true shit about her in life. Her father was an abusive drunk, her mother still puts her down (mental case), they'd lock her in her room for days at a time because they didn't want her. No affection in the home, no hugs, no "I love yous". Pawned her off to relatives all the time because of the arguing of the parents. Got into drugs, every boyfriend was a shithead to her. Used buying things as a coping deal, $50,000 in worthless debt, only paying interest every month on that (filed bankrupsy so she can start over and not have the stress of financial burden). That was a big downer for her. The sexual abuse she's harbored and didn't have anyone to tell that would or could of stopped it at the time. Blah blah, she's had it fucked since a kid.

She's genuinely a good person, always helping everyone she can, but alone on the inside and broken. I'm the only person, after this all happened, that has giving a shit about her well being. I'm willing to be her friend, I feel I have to, and see her through this change. I can't help it that I love her. No one should have to go through life thinking this is how it always has to be. It can be better for her if she tries, I'll support that.

Billvon, she hates arguing like her parents did, I had the yelling parents too. We don't yell, the verbal abuse was just putting her in her place and with the truth, as hurtful as it is to her and how she was to me.

As to what has changed, she's been seeing a therapist for her past issues for the past two months and sharing them with me. How she can cope with things differently, etc. She's giving me access to her phone records (which correlates when she stopped talking to him like she told me), to her email, bank account, etc. To try to repair the trust thing.

As for her thinking she can do it again, when I had my thing with another girl, she was devastated. I didn't hide anything from her. Not that the other girl was a "payback" kind of thing, I genuinely liked her but realized I didn't want the rest of my life with her. At the same time it showed her how it feels to know someone you love is interested in someone else and being intimate. The other girl understood my feelings and respected that I couldn't be that person with her.

My girlfriend could easily go out and get any guys she wants practically, she stayed home crying while I was out with her, hoping I would want to still be with her instead.

That's where I'm at with her, being a friend to help her for once in her life. She's gratefully accepted it and wants to prove she can be a better person, not only to me but for her quality of life. She's pretty dedicated to the therapy and does her homework, getting self help books and trying to understand why she does this or that. Studying on how to live within her means, not buying worthless feel good for the moment things. I see her having a better outlook on her life. If it doesn't work out for me, I'll still be glad I was able to help her have a better rest of her life.

But she does know, I will not hesitate to go out and find another/better girlfriend than her if anything would ever happen like that again. I've proved that to her. For now I'll be the friend she needs more. I want to see regardless, a stong, powerful and confident women I think she can be. A person that doesn't let the past dictate making wrong or misguided decisions. For as pretty and smart (book, nerd smart) as she is, she's always had self confidence issues.

[NWFlyer 2]

From hearing your side of the story and the way you describe both her and your actions, you both sound like people who don't need to be in any relationship right now, especially with each other.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[oldwomanc6 60]

It's very hard to get perspective without distance.

This relationship does not sound healthy for either of you. You are not responsible for fixing her traumatic childhood or her past mistakes (understandable, though it may be to want to try).

As others have said, as well, you can't build a solid relationship if there is no trust.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[promise5 17]

NWFlyer

From hearing your side of the story and the way you describe both her and your actions, you both sound like people who don't need to be in any relationship right now, especially with each other.

Totally agree!!!!

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[billvon 3,100]

>Billvon, she hates arguing like her parents did, I had the yelling parents too.

Not saying she likes it, just that she's gotten very, very used to it, and so that might be her "default" comfort zone. I've seen this happen a few times. If she really decides that she doesn't want that, and can change that in herself (and in how she relates to others) great.

But I see other warning signs. One is your statement

>That's where I'm at with her, being a friend to help her for once in her life.

If that's really a once-in-her-life kind of thing then she's not going to know how to deal with it. Do you want to be the person who tries to help her while she makes a series of mistakes, due to her not ever having had a relationship like that before? She might be able to learn with time, but those mistakes (of which you have already described a few) probably aren't her last ones.

I think the question you have to ask yourself is "can I live with her as she is RIGHT NOW?" (Cheating, lying etc) If the answer is yes, then go for it; she might change, she might not, but at least you can live with either eventuality.

If the answer is no - if you can't take more cheating/lying - then I'd sever things cleanly and give her some time. In a few years she may learn (perhaps by making those mistakes over and over with other people) and you'll both be in better shape to make a decision on a long term relationship.

>My girlfriend could easily go out and get any guys she wants practically, she stayed
>home crying while I was out with her, hoping I would want to still be with her instead.

Right, this was while she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep you. Now it's more likely that she can.

[swisschris62 0]

My very first thought after reading your post further describing your situation was, "no good deed goes unpunished."
I am in no way a behavior specialist ( other then my experience raising 2 kids, age 24/22 ). That being said, I think what you may be doing or " allowing" could be considered enabling in some ways. If you do stay around to try and help the rules should probably be very clear that there isn't going to be any " flare ups " of unwanted behavior. Fucking up and then crying about it to make it all better because she knows your a good guy and knows she can play you with tears shouldn't be accepted.
Like you said this goes way back into her childhood. It's what she knows bro...if there is going to be a change it will take a long time. Change ( behavior ) should be immediate, for it to become her natural way of thinking/being is another story. You can train a dog a new trick by going over it about 5 times ( if you know what your doing), to reverse a behavior it could take over 50 repetitions ( alot more work ). Humans are far more complicated then dogs.
If you decide to stay in it I wish you all the strength and luck dealing with it. I have a feeling we are going to hear back from you at some point though telling us this didnt go well.

[skymama 37]

Since you've mentioned that both of you have been in therapy before, what about going to couples therapy together? You said you love each other; maybe it's worth a shot?

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Cornhusker 0]

promise5

***From hearing your side of the story and the way you describe both her and your actions, you both sound like people who don't need to be in any relationship right now, especially with each other.

Totally agree!!!!

I agree too. I think we would both be better off right now trying to help each other, rather than jump back into something with bad feelings about each other.

[Cornhusker 0]

swisschris62

My very first thought after reading your post further describing your situation was, "no good deed goes unpunished."
I am in no way a behavior specialist ( other then my experience raising 2 kids, age 24/22 ). That being said, I think what you may be doing or " allowing" could be considered enabling in some ways. If you do stay around to try and help the rules should probably be very clear that there isn't going to be any " flare ups " of unwanted behavior. Fucking up and then crying about it to make it all better because she knows your a good guy and knows she can play you with tears shouldn't be accepted.
Like you said this goes way back into her childhood. It's what she knows bro...if there is going to be a change it will take a long time. Change ( behavior ) should be immediate, for it to become her natural way of thinking/being is another story. You can train a dog a new trick by going over it about 5 times ( if you know what your doing), to reverse a behavior it could take over 50 repetitions ( alot more work ). Humans are far more complicated then dogs.
If you decide to stay in it I wish you all the strength and luck dealing with it. I have a feeling we are going to hear back from you at some point though telling us this didnt go well.

She knows exactly what's expected of herself now and what she has to conquer first before I would even consider being with her again. She knows well I will find someone else in a heart beat if I have to. I'll wait before I feel better before I jump into anything again, if I have to.

I just have a battle in my head, leave her now forever, or be a stand up guy and help her. See if she's worth who she becomes.