Need some perspective......

[Cornhusker 0]

skymama

Since you've mentioned that both of you have been in therapy before, what about going to couples therapy together? You said you love each other; maybe it's worth a shot?

Thanks! This would be a future idea for the both of us. First she has something to prove to me before we would even discuss the possibility of therapy with each other.

Yes, I do love her, she loves me. I can see it when we hang out (told her to live with her sister for a while). I can see the over excitment in her eyes, along with the fear that I might not be there one day for her or in her life. We do have the best times when we are out and about with each other.

[Cornhusker 0]

oldwomanc6

It's very hard to get perspective without distance.

This relationship does not sound healthy for either of you. You are not responsible for fixing her traumatic childhood or her past mistakes (understandable, though it may be to want to try).

As others have said, as well, you can't build a solid relationship if there is no trust.

The trust she has to work on, I have to try to accept it again, which will be a struggle obviously.

I am putting distance between us soon enough. We both had planned on moving to the NW US (were east coast). I'm going in a couple months, by myself. Just to live my life and clear my mind. She can come out at a later date if she proves she's better, not only to me, but more importantly in her own head.

She was vulnerable at the time we broke up, always was a bit weak minded, but I want her to have a strong mind, have respect and love for herself. She's a really nice girl considering all her life people mistreated and abandoned her. I just know now is the time for her to be the best person she can be for the rest of her life. I just don't want to be another person that abandons her while she tries to be better.

You're right, it's not my responsibility to help her, I'm the only person that ever wanted to though. I'm too nice maybe, but I consider her a friend right now, I'll do anything for my friends.

[NWFlyer 2]

Cornhusker

******From hearing your side of the story and the way you describe both her and your actions, you both sound like people who don't need to be in any relationship right now, especially with each other.

Totally agree!!!!

I agree too. I think we would both be better off right now trying to help each other, rather than jump back into something with bad feelings about each other.

Whoosh. Missed the point entirely. I was saying you both need to be single and work on your own shit for a while.

You strike me as that guy who has the hero complex. The guy who says "I'll be the first person to treat her right and I'll heal her."

She needs to heal herself, with professional help. Probably alone. You need to step away from feeling like you can/should heal her. Probably alone.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[Cornhusker 0]

NWFlyer

*********From hearing your side of the story and the way you describe both her and your actions, you both sound like people who don't need to be in any relationship right now, especially with each other.

Totally agree!!!!

I agree too. I think we would both be better off right now trying to help each other, rather than jump back into something with bad feelings about each other.

Whoosh. Missed the point entirely. I was saying you both need to be single and work on your own shit for a while.

You strike me as that guy who has the hero complex. The guy who says "I'll be the first person to treat her right and I'll heal her."

She needs to heal herself, with professional help. Probably alone. You need to step away from feeling like you can/should heal her. Probably alone.

Thanks for the reply!

That's kind of what is going to happen. I'm just there right now to give her the push/support to go through with it. She was always too proud and thinks she can deal with the past on her own terms. I've suggested it in the past to her, met with a "I don't need help, I know my past and what I've been through" blah blah. Sad that it took the both of us to hurt each other to make her realize that she does need to figure shit out.

Then I'm leaving to do my own thing in the NW US while she continues to work on herself, by herself. This is where I want to see her follow through on her own. I need to see dedication and strength from her, as a friend.

[NWFlyer 2]

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We don't yell, the verbal abuse was just putting her in her place

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I will not hesitate to go out and find another/better girlfriend than her if anything would ever happen like that again.

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See if she's worth who she becomes.

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I need to see dedication and strength from her, as a friend.

Just stringing together a few of your phrases to see if you see a pattern. I do.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[Cornhusker 0]

NWFlyer

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We don't yell, the verbal abuse was just putting her in her place

***I will not hesitate to go out and find another/better girlfriend than her if anything would ever happen like that again.

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See if she's worth who she becomes.

Quote

I need to see dedication and strength from her, as a friend.

Just stringing together a few of your phrases to see if you see a pattern. I do.

I'm not sure of the pattern, enlighten me! Honestly I don't know.

But ya, I'm confused a fuck what to do or how to handle it. I've never had to deal with this kind of shit before :-(

[NWFlyer 2]

The way it reads to me is that you don't really respect her right now. You're hoping that you can help "fix" her into someone you might respect. But I suspect that even if she does "fix" herself, you'll find some other thing that needs to be fixed.

I dunno, maybe you're just reminding me of other men that I've known... there's two different types that have always frustrated me.

One I call the pedestal guys. They put women up on this pedestal, create an image of them that may or may not have much basis in reality. When the women don't live up to that image (of course they don't - they're real people, not images) , the men are crushed and horribly disappointed. They either walk, or they try to "fix" the woman to get them back into that image that they originally created. They don't really see women as actual complex people, they're just archetypes. (Go watch the move Ruby Sparks for an interesting angle on that whole thing).

The other is the hero, the one who is actively drawn to situations where he can "help." He never met a person (usually a woman) in crisis that he didn't feel the need to help out. And if there isn't a problem, he'll invent one in his head so he can come in and be the hero, even though the person never asked for help and might not even agree that the problem is one that needed fixing. The truth about that one is that for the most part, people need to self-rescue. They may need the support of family and friends, but they have to do the hardest work themselves; no one can do it for them. And they get to decide when it's a problem that they want help with.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[Cornhusker 0]

Thank you. You're right I don't really have as much respect for her right now. I do love her and want her to feel better about herself before she, if giving the chance, can try to make me happy again.

Perhaps I should leave it alone and we do our separate healing.

Thanks for the insight.

[skymama 37]

The romantic in me thinks there is something to be said for the parts of your relationship where you said you love each other and still enjoy hanging out with each other. People mess up sometimes, we're only human! Go ahead with your plan, but don't count someone out of your life (like some have said) just because there has been some mistrust and hurt. If Normiss and I would have done that, we never would have gotten back together after breaking up back in 2006. I'm not saying it's easy to mend broken hearts, but it's doable if both parties are committed to moving forward together.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon