Things you hate about people because you're just like them...

[Nataly 38]

I remember an argument I had with my mom a long time ago, where she accused me of all kinds of horrible things... I actually burst out laughing - I couldn't help myself... It's not that she was wrong (not at all)... It's just that it sounded to me like she had just described herself!!!

So how do you go about fixing a relationship that keeps falling apart because you're just too damned similar???

I don't know if anyone has the answer... I'm kind of venting... If anyone has any experiences/stories they would like to share, I'd love to hear them.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[wmw999 2,558]

Live no closer than 3-4 hours away. That makes a visit a special thing, and it means that if you figure out what your boundaries are, you can keep them pretty easily.

Then remember that you're an independent woman capable of supporting yourself in the way that you want to, and when you get together, figure out what you want to talk about. Make it interesting, so that it's easy to talk about. Have a pleasant answer for whatever you know she's going to ask.

And remember never to live closer than 3-4 hours. I've had relatives who got on each others' nerves, and that was the more important thing of all for them.

She loves you, you love her, and neither of you can figure out how to like each other.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[turtlespeed 226]

Nataly

I remember an argument I had with my mom a long time ago, where she accused me of all kinds of horrible things... I actually burst out laughing - I couldn't help myself... It's not that she was wrong (not at all)... It's just that it sounded to me like she had just described herself!!!

So how do you go about fixing a relationship that keeps falling apart because you're just too damned similar???

I don't know if anyone has the answer... I'm kind of venting... If anyone has any experiences/stories they would like to share, I'd love to hear them.

Norman Bates had the answer.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Muffie 0]

At least initially, try to keep your communications to e-mail or letters. It gives you time to not rise to all the usual comments that will spark a fight.

Also, at least in my family, we seem capable of having whole conversations that are nothing more than (a) what's the weather like where you are and (b) what did you make for dinner last night/what are you making for dinner tonight. You get to still talk and show you care, but pretty hard to get in a fight over what the person is making themselves for dinner. (Although it's been a close call once or twice.)

[shropshire 0]

"You know damn well that you shouldn't be eating THAT in your condition!! and with the weather so cold you need something more nourishing .. F.F.S"

See everything is possible.
Being a grumpy, contrary old git is a talent.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[oldwomanc6 60]

If you are able to forgive yourself for your own imperfections, it may be easier to tolerate (and forgive?) those same things in people who are a lot like you.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[Muffie 0]

shropshire

"You know damn well that you shouldn't be eating THAT in your condition!! and with the weather so cold you need something more nourishing .. F.F.S"

See everything is possible.
Being a grumpy, contrary old git is a talent.

Oh yeah, absolutely possible.

Just less likely than conversations about "who are you dating", "what are you doing with your life", "please tell me you aren't going to jump out of a plane again"...

[Nataly 38]

wmw999

She loves you, you love her, and neither of you can figure out how to like each other.

^^^this^^^

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Nataly 38]

Muffie

At least initially, try to keep your communications to e-mail or letters. It gives you time to not rise to all the usual comments that will spark a fight

Always sounds good in theory... In practice, I find when you write something down you leave a lot open to (mis)interpretation... Because even with emoticons and exclamation points, it's hard to get across the real intent behind your written words... No warm tone, no wink, no smile to give cues about jokes, sarcasm, or anything that is meant in a friendly or neutral or matter-of-fact way... Heck, I can be brutal enough in person, in an email I can seem downright horrible (even when I'm actually trying to be nice)...

D'oh.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[BIGUN 1,438]

What you're describing is Freud's Theory of "Psychological Projection" (you can Google it)... short course: We tend to dislike those characteristics in others that we don't like in ourselves.

There is no cure - Congratulations... you guys are normal.

Send pic of boobies for services rendered.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[mjosparky 4]

You say that you are both alike. It appears that you are the one that recognizes part of the problem causing friction. In any relationship there has to be give and take. Why don’t you become the one that does the giving? It won’t cost you anything and she is your Mother. When she’s gone it will too late to make up.

Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[davjohns 1]

wmw999

Live no closer than 3-4 hours away. That makes a visit a special thing, and it means that if you figure out what your boundaries are, you can keep them pretty easily.

Then remember that you're an independent woman capable of supporting yourself in the way that you want to, and when you get together, figure out what you want to talk about. Make it interesting, so that it's easy to talk about. Have a pleasant answer for whatever you know she's going to ask.

And remember never to live closer than 3-4 hours. I've had relatives who got on each others' nerves, and that was the more important thing of all for them.

She loves you, you love her, and neither of you can figure out how to like each other.

Wendy P.

Yup. Limit contact to make sure those contact times are positive. Less is more.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Nataly 38]

mjosparky

You say that you are both alike. It appears that you are the one that recognizes part of the problem causing friction. In any relationship there has to be give and take. Why don’t you become the one that does the giving? It won’t cost you anything and she is your Mother. When she’s gone it will too late to make up.

Sparky

It's complicated... I know I only have one mom and because I love her I have typically been the one to take it on the chin and try to smoothe over (or ignore) the problems... But I am human and this is an unfair and imbalanced way of dealing with things. I really need for her to understand that I can't be the only one to take responsibility for my actions... And that I really shouldn't have to take responsibility for hers on top of that.

She has reached out to me very recently, and it tears me up because although she went to great lengths to show me how much she loves me, she still does not "get it." I already know she loves me - that is not the problem. I also know that we are who we are, and nobody can change that. I'm not asking for the world, but I do have a limit to what I can tolerate...

So for now, keeping my distance is all I have been able to come up with after several failed attempts at communication... Makes me pretty depressed that it has come to this, actually. Part of me wants to put it all behind us and forget it ever happened, but I really need to stop doing that - it hurts me too much in the long run. I need to break that pattern in my behaviour so that she can understand that some things are just not ok.

Argh... It fucking sucks...

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[NewGuy2005 53]

wmw999

Live no closer than 3-4 hours away.

That is absolutely right. 13-14 hours might be better.

[mjosparky 4]

Quote

that I can't be the only one to take responsibility for my actions... And that I really shouldn't have to take responsibility for hers on top of that.

But you are the only one responsible for your actions. And you shouldn’t be responsible for hers. But you can control how you react to her actions. Life is never simple especially when dealing with family.

Hang in there Kid, I believe you can work it out. And you are right, life sucks at times.

Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[promise5 17]

My twin and I both accuse the other of being just like our mom and in certain ways we are. The thing is she butts heads with mom over things that I'm like " are you nuts !" and she thinks the same thing of me. But even with the ups and downs I'll admit I have amazing parents.

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[Nataly 38]

mjosparky

Quote

that I can't be the only one to take responsibility for my actions... And that I really shouldn't have to take responsibility for hers on top of that.

But you are the only one responsible for your actions. And you shouldn’t be responsible for hers. But you can control how you react to her actions. Life is never simple especially when dealing with family.

Hang in there Kid, I believe you can work it out. And you are right, life sucks at times.

Sparky

What I meant was that I would like both sides to takes personal responsability for their own actions (not just me). Like adults.

But you're right that I can only force myself to behave a certain way... I can only try to find the right way to get the message accross to my mom... And I can't *force* her to listen and/or agree with me that our relationship would improve if only we could BOTH learn to treat each other better.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[wmw999 2,558]

What you can do is tell your mother something like "x hurts me when you say it." That makes it clear that it's your problem, but gives her the key to help with it. She can draw her own conclusion if you say that just before you go a long time between phone calls.

Don't tell her her the behavior you want from her; just tell her what you'll do. I remember telling a relative whom I was helping that if he ever treated me the way he had one weekend (alcohol onboard), I wouldn't come back. He changed.

It's very hard. I was never able to be quite that blunt with another, closer, relative. But such is life.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)