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promise5

Just funny stuff

By promise5, in The Bonfire

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promise5    17

promise5
I thought this was hilarious:D:D:D

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

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ryoder    1,590

ryoder
"Dad, where did I come from?"

"Well son, we brought you home from Walmart.":S

http://www.mynews13.com/content/news/cfnews13/news/article.html/content/news/articles/cfn/2014/1/2/baby_born_at_walmart.html

At least the daughters won't need to be told where babies come from.:D
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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promise5    17

promise5
ryoder

"Dad, where did I come from?"

"Well son, we brought you home from Walmart.":S

http://www.mynews13.com/content/news/cfnews13/news/article.html/content/news/articles/cfn/2014/1/2/baby_born_at_walmart.html

At least the daughters won't need to be told where babies come from.:D



Nope !! Not gonna happen!!! Not me!! I know it major surgery but I'll take a c-section. My body wasn't made for something that size to come out that area. Nope!!!
I had to watch two birth for my medic courses and yeah it wasn't the guys that had a hard time it was me. I thought I was going to pass out.
Also was in the back of the ambulance while we took one lady to the hospital in labor. I was begging her to hold on, she could make it to the hospital. I knew she could.
No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

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ryoder    1,590

ryoder
promise5


Nope !! Not gonna happen!!! Not me!! I know it major surgery but I'll take a c-section. My body wasn't made for something that size to come out that area. Nope!!!
I had to watch two birth for my medic courses and yeah it wasn't the guys that had a hard time it was me. I thought I was going to pass out.



Back before college, when I was working at a hospital, I was called to work on a jammed door latch while there was a film showing in a small classroom. As I worked on it I happened to glance up to see...well, I didn't eat much for lunch that day. It was a class for expectant mothers.:S:D
Quote


Also was in the back of the ambulance while we took one lady to the hospital in labor. I was begging her to hold on, she could make it to the hospital. I knew she could.



P5 to patient: "Please, please, PLEASE hold on! I really don't want to see that!!!":D:D:D
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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ryoder    1,590

ryoder
promise5

I tell the guys I work with that if we get another pregnant lady call, they're the ones delivering that baby!!!



Did they teach how to reach in and hold the baby back in case of a breech birth?:)
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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Phillbo    11

Phillbo
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started

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turtlespeed    226

turtlespeed
promise5

I thought it was funny!! :ph34r:



Seems like she is opening herself up for a lawsuit.[:/]

He's a shit, but property is property.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Amazon    7

Amazon
promise5

Excuse the language but I thought it was funny and I've wondered the same thing. Paper shouldn't beat rock!!!



Rock always wins... somthing that flying meatsacks need to remember when they wish to proximy fly far too closely to this planets hard bits.

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