Divalent 168 #2376 May 29 I am demi-asexual. I have to know a woman for a while before I won’t sleep with them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2377 June 3 I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. Bummer. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 910 #2378 June 3 What's the difference between jebus and hookers? The look they give you when you're nailing them. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2379 June 5 12 years ago today, my friend Dave came out running and screamed "It's a BOY!, it's a BOY!" with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand again. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2380 June 25 A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!" 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2381 June 27 A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries. The clerk wagged his fingers beckoning the woman and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries". 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2382 June 29 Good news! I just received notification of my new job at the post office. I start last week! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2383 July 1 Tuesday is Open Mike night at the amateur autopsy club! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,484 #2384 July 1 3 hours ago, Divalent said: Tuesday is Open Mike night at the amateur autopsy club! Hi Divalent, That reminds me of a true story. Back in the '60's, a good friend went to a social inter-fraternity party with a fraternity from Oregon Health & Sciences University; our premier medical school here in Oregon. One of the med students told him about what happened in an autopsy class. The class consisted of about 6-7 male students & one female student. They had two cadavers to work on, so the professor assigned the male cadaver to the male students & the female cadaver to the lone female student. After class, the guys decided to have some fun. They removed the penis from the male cadaver & inserted it into the female cadaver. The next day, the female student pulled back the cover of the female cadaver, looked at the situation, and said, 'One of you guys leave too quick?' Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2385 July 2 A longshoreman was at a convention in Las Vegas. He decided to visit one of the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she told him. Somewhat offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the next brothel, the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam informed him. "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam. She instead gestured to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, and said: "But Ethel here has seniority." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2386 July 4 Doctor: "Well, it looks like you’re pregnant." Woman: "Oh my God, I’m pregnant?" Doctor: "No. It just looks like you are." 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2387 July 14 My wife and I just landed roles in a new adult movie production! My wife will play the very sexy leading lady, and I will play her husband. Although it turns out I just have one line: "Bye, honey, I'm off to work now." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2388 July 16 A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'A Chance for Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Liam pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Liam guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Liam, along with his friend Finley, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Liam guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Finley said to Liam, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Liam replied, "No, it's genuine enough Finley. My wife won twice last week." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2389 July 17 Pick 2: Happiness, Being right, Being married Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,484 #2390 July 18 Hi folks, A few years ago a neighbor was on his deathbed and motioned for his wife to come closer. He told her, "When I'm gone, I want you to marry Bill." She said, "I thought you hated Bill." He said, "I do." Jerry Baumchen 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2391 July 22 My girlfriend's dad is still mad at me because I took her virginity. I don't know why he won't let it go; I promised him that it won't happen again! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2392 August 1 Adam says to God, "I'm lonesome." God says, "I have just the thing for you--a beautiful creature who will: love you take care of you, keep you happy, never judge you, agree with everything you want, and never utter a cross word." Adam says, "Wow, that sounds great! But what'll it cost me?" God says, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam blanches. He thinks for a minute, then asks, "What can I get for a rib?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2393 August 6 Two blond guys ring the bell of a brothel. The Madam opens the door. -- What do you want? -- What can we get for five dollars? -- For five dollars you can jerk each other off in those bushes over there. She shuts the door. A 15 minutes later the bell rang again. The Madam opens the door. It's the same two blond guys: -- Who do we pay? 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2394 August 9 My high school was so outdated that we used the same car for Drivers Ed and Sex Ed! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2395 August 13 I went to my doctor with a strange set of symptoms. He said: "I can’t determine the cause with certainty, but it would be best if you reduced your alcohol consumption and we’ll see if it improves." I said: "I got a better idea: how about if I increase it, and see if it gets worse?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2396 August 17 You know you're old when... You Google search "memory loss" and are surprised to find that all of the links have already been clicked. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2397 August 20 A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the wife’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her they couldn’t graft any skin from her own body because she was too skinny. Her husband lovingly offered to donate some of his skin. However, the only suitable area to do the whole job was from his large buttocks. But it was a rather embarrassing situation, so they both agreed to keep that detail a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word. After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the woman's transformation. She looked more radiant than ever! Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting her fresh, youthful face. One day, deeply moved, she said to her husband, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?" He smiled and replied, "My love, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2398 August 22 I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2399 August 26 Panties aren’t the best thing in the world ... but they’re close to it. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Divalent 168 #2400 August 28 Jack and his wife plan a safari to Africa. Because his mother-in-law had never been to that part of the world, his wife begged him to include her on the trip. Despite his misgivings, Jack relented. The trip goes quite well and all three are having a good time, enjoying all the sights and all the wild animals. One morning, Jack and his wife wake up to discover her mother not there. Concerned, they go out and start looking for her. Walking along the trail, they come to a clearing only to find the mother-in-law face to face with a very large lion. Jack's wife is very afraid. She says : "Jack, do something! Do something!" Jack looks the situation over carefully and ponders for a few moments. "Nope" he says, "That lion got himself into that predicament, he can get himself out." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
