JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 145]

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

[Divalent 145]

A kid: "Mom, was I adopted?"

Mom: "Yes, but it didn’t work out, so they made us take you back"

[Divalent 145]

Doctor: "Mr Smith, I’ve got your results, and we need to talk about them. But before we start, you should know ..."

Mr Smith: "Doc, can you get to the point? I don’t have all day."

Doctor: "Oh, so apparently someone already told you!"

 

[Divalent 145]

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck and a half,

Deer nuts are under a buck.

[BIGUN 1,424]

I stand for women's rights; especially the right to remain silent.

[use with caution]

[wmw999 2,547]

I was going to say you should be proud of what you started with this thread. Now I guess I should be quiet, huh 

Wendy P. 

[Divalent 145]

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island, stranded alone for over ten years surviving, on coconuts and fish.

One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks his eyes trying to figure out if he’s dreaming. When he refocuses it’s like a scene from a movie: the woman has taken off her mask and is shaking out long hair, water droplets glinting in the afternoon sunlight. He can tell she’s stunning.

He sits there as she walks across the sand dropping her scuba gear as she goes. She stops standing in front him, drops her dive bag, and says, "been here long mister?" He can only nod his head while he looks for his voice.

She laughs and asks, "you smoke?" He nods again and she unzips the dive bag and pulls out a couple of cigars and a lighter. She pops them in her mouth and lights them both before handing one over to him. They smoke together in silence while he drinks in her beauty.

A few minutes later she asks, "you drink?" He nods again, still mute, and she reaches into her dive bag and removes a bottle of 20 year old scotch and two glasses. She pours a couple fingers of scotch in each and hands one to him before replacing the bottle of scotch and setting the dive bag aside. She sways seductively while humming as they drink the scotch together.

When both glasses are empty she smiles and takes his glass, setting both aside on the ground. Standing up she starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks suggestively, "Do you want to play around?"

The man stands up breathing heavily, eyes following the slowly descending zipper. He stutters, eyes wide as he finally finds his long unused voice and says, "You mean to tell me you’ve got golf clubs too?"

[Divalent 145]

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit. So I announced that I had won the lottery.

I soon found out who all my relatives are.

[Divalent 145]

My wife is the most suspicious person I know.

If I come home early, she suspects I want sex.

And if I come home late, she suspects I’ve already had it.

[BIGUN 1,424]

What's the difference between arguing with your wife and a knife. 

The knife has a point. 

[JerryBaumchen 1,445]

46 minutes ago, BIGUN said:

What's the difference between arguing with your wife and a knife. 

The knife has a point. 

Hi Keith,

Uhh, do you have a suicidal complex?

Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,424]

2 hours ago, JerryBaumchen said:

Uhh, do you have a suicidal complex?

Afternoon, Jerry. Well, we did join the military. :)

[Divalent 145]

"One time I farted so long that I was surprised my butt didn't have to stop and catch its breath."

Interviewer: "... and an occasion that you are not so proud of?"
 

[Divalent 145]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

And sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The chained couple departs, and the other two women asked St Peter why? He said, "she stepped on a duck, and so as punishment she gets chained to an ugly man for the rest of time."

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and almost immediately along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and says: "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go."

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together and tells them to get along.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Divalent 145]

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it.

He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

[Divalent 145]

A young couple was having difficulty getting pregnant, despite desparately wanting a child. Three years in a row she miscarried, and her doctor said each one was due to some developmental deformity.

They decided to use the power of positive thinking on their next attempt: praying every night for a perfect child, telling each other every day that this one will be just absolutely perfect, imagining life with a perfect child, etc.

Lo and behold, she made it to the 9th month, and then delivered her child!

Her doctor said, as he caught the child, "Well, it appears you have given birth to a 8 lb 5 oz eyeball."

Mother: "An eyeball? An EYEBALL?! Oh no! Could this ever be worse?"

Doctor: "Yes. It's blind"
 

[BIGUN 1,424]

On 4/28/2025 at 3:24 PM, Divalent said:

Doctor: "Yes. It's blind"

Go to your room. 

[wmw999 2,547]

On 4/29/2025 at 6:11 PM, BIGUN said:

Go to your room. 

By the by, Bigun, you should get a Nobel prize in social media for starting this thread.

Wendy P. 

[BIGUN 1,424]

26 minutes ago, wmw999 said:

get a Nobel prize in social media for starting this thread.

Thank you, Lass.