JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 174]

I came home today to find my kids have been on EBay all day.

If they're still there tomorrow I will have to lower the price.

[Divalent 174]

An old lady goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here"/

The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week.

The next week the old lady comes back and says "Doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!"

The doc says "Great! We’ve cleared up your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!"

 

[Divalent 174]

John: "My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday."

Eddie: "Mike? Since when has Mike been your best friend?"

John: "Since yesterday."

[Divalent 174]

A Priest, a lawyer, and an engineer were caught in a pogrom. All were sentenced to death by guillotine. 

They came first for the priest. As they placed him under the guillotine, the priest asks to be executed face-up so he can face heaven in his final moments. They did so, and then pulled the switch. Nothing happened. Well this country had a rule that you could only have one attempt to be killed, so the priest was set free.

They came for the lawyer next. Thinking that facing heaven might also save him, he also requested to be executed face up. When they pulled the lever, again nothing happened. By rule, the lawyer was also set free.

Then they brought in the engineer, who naturally also asked to be placed face up. But just before they could pull the lever, the engineer held up his hand and said:

"Wait! I think I see the problem".
 

Edited September 20 by Divalent

[JerryBaumchen 1,489]

3 hours ago, Divalent said:

A Priest, a lawyer, and an engineer were caught in a pogrom. All were sentenced to death by guillotine. 

They came first for the priest. As they placed him under the guillotine, the priest asks to be executed face-up so he can face heaven in his final moments. They did so, and then pulled the switch. Nothing happened. Well this country had a rule that you could only have one attempt to be killed, so the priest was set free.

They came for the lawyer next. Thinking that facing heaven might also save him, he also requested to be executed face up. When they pulled the lever, again nothing happened. By rule, the lawyer was also set free.

Then they brought in the engineer, who naturally also asked to be placed face up. But just before they could pull the lever, the engineer held up his hand and said:

"Wait! I think I see the problem".
 

Hi Divalent,

As an engineer, I have heard that one MANY times.

Still a good one, though.

Jerry Baumchen

[Divalent 174]

Four older golfing friends

In their fifties, they would finish their morning golf and decide to have lunch at Hooters, because "They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

In their sixties, they would finish their morning golf and decide to have lunch at Hooters, because "they have cute waitresses and good wings."

In their 70s, they would finish their morning golf and decide to have lunch at Hooters, because "they have clean bathrooms."

In their 80s, they would finish their morning golf and decide to have lunch at Hooters, because "we've never been there before."

Edited September 22 by Divalent

[Divalent 174]

It takes me just 3 mins to walk to the pub, but 30 mins to walk back home.

The difference is staggering.

 

Edited September 27 by Divalent

[Divalent 174]

My wife said she was good at multitasking. But I don't think she really is.

The other night I told her to sit down and shut up, and she couldn’t do either!

[Divalent 174]

A nun walks into mother superiors office and lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and lost his grip on the ball, and it fell right onto the green, and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...

"Jesus fucking Christ!  -- You missed the God damn putt, didn't you?"

 

[wmw999 2,641]

Writing about men the way they write about women:

He charged into the room, pert testicles bouncing gaily in their unrestraining boxers. I saw a scar when he took them off for me, and wondered if he'd had a vasectomy. He opened his plump lips, full of promise, but annoying words came out -- something about football...

[Divalent 174]

A wife buys her blond husband a scale to help him with his new diet.

A week later the blond says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm pooping out 'cause of this new diet I'm on!"

The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?"

And the blond says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."